Self-love isn’t just a feeling. It is a relationship we have with ourselves, a full acceptance of who we are, and more. But how does that translate in our every-day life? It’s not something we tend to think about, until we find ourselves without it. So what does self-love truly mean and how does it affect our life?
Self-love manifests in our actions, the way we speak to ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and inevitably, how we treat others. If we get this right, it is likely that our affairs, including both personal and professional, will take a turn for the better.
Learning more about self-love, you are likely to find a plenty of advice on positive self-talk and affirmations. It is true that what we tell ourselves affects the way we view ourselves in the world and subsequently how we show up. However, how much impact is going to have something we don’t truly believe? To experience self-love, we have to match our actions to these narratives.
The building blocks of self-love
A recent Western study defines self-love as attitude of self-kindness, consisting of self-contact, self-acceptance and self-care.1 In other words, it is the attention we give to ourselves while being in peace with who we are, as well as protecting and caring for ourselves.
This definition is, however, a little bit different from the understanding of self-love in the Far East. According to a study carried by Southwest University in Chongqing, China, the Chinese expand further to include restraint and persistence, alongside cherishing and accepting oneself. The understanding of self-love here isn’t solely related to oneself either, it encompasses the relationships and attitudes towards one’s family, others and society.2
Chinese scholars such as Confucius and Mencius believed that ‘The man of virtue, while establishing himself and pursuing success, also works to establish others and enable them to succeed as well’3
‘In ancient Greek philosophy, oikeiosis (self-love) was considered the source of all good and radiated a circle of love, first for oneself, then for one’s children, then for one’s family, and even for all humanity.’4
How we understand self-love is influenced by our culture and set of values. However, what the practice has in common across nations is that it always starts with self, wherever you are in the world, even if its concept expands into other dimensions.
How to nurture self-love
The ultimate piece in building a loving relationship with ourselves is action. It starts with holding ourselves responsible; keeping promises to ourselves and acting in line with what we know is good for us. This strengthens our self-worth and determines the way we see and feel about ourselves.
Self-love and attitudes towards oneself can change based on our circumstances and life experience. Just because we feel content and secure in ourselves one day, doesn’t mean it can’t change. Self-love is something that we need to continuously work on, practice, develop, strengthen and nurture. This might look quite different from one person to the other. But once we know what works for us, it’s easier to get back on track when we get derailed.
Start working on your self-love today
Routine + Discipline
Routine is all about developing habits around our daily life and sticking to them. Finding what works for us and serves us well. You might think watching TV late at night, or drinking coffee after 5pm works for you, but it doesn’t really support the quality of your sleep.
In fact, it involves a little bit of planning and concentrated thought at first. Take your bedtime routine, for example. Deciding the time you go to sleep every night, involves working out backwards when to have your last meal, put away all screens, maybe have some time to read. Routines can save our time and provide direction in times of chaos and uncertainty. We can develop a routine in various parts of the day, from morning and exercise routines to cooking and mealtime, or the already mentioned sleep hygiene routine.
As far as discipline goes, it’s the part where we do our best to stick to the plan. For example, if I follow my morning routine as planned, I should have the time to make myself a nice healthy breakfast. If, however, I wake up late, I’ll end up with a croissant on the way, and then probably another one later, because who am I kidding, how long can a croissant keep me full.
If you’re struggling with a demanding job or caring for others, steeling a moment for yourself can be part of discipline as well. It’s easy to forget about ourselves when we’re feeling stressed and under pressure. What we really want to do is to slide on the sofa and watch Netflix. And as much as we feel like that’s the best use of our free time, it doesn’t leave us either refreshed or energised.
Ultimately, cultivating self-discipline and choosing delayed gratification, helps us develop resilience and confidence in overcoming difficulties.
Self-Care + Rituals
Self-care doesn’t mean just spoiling oneself. Sure, it’s part of it and we should do it sometimes, without guilt. But real self-care is knowing when to say no to ourselves and to others as well. Self-care is a multidimensional pursuit, and paying attention to our physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs will improve our overall wellbeing.
Regular exercise – A combination of cardio and strength workouts is recommended for both physical and mental health. However, if your circumstances don’t allow it, even gentle yoga or a regular walk is hugely beneficial.
Developing and maintaining connections – Whether it’s the relationship with oneself, family and friends, people around us in general or connection to the nature, we need it. Taking the time to develop and nurture these connections helps us feel more present and strengthens the feeling of belonging.
Rituals – What makes rituals special is the intent and a set of particular step you repeat every single time. The magic in this is that you don’t need to think about it, you know exactly what steps to follow. What’s important, is that whatever the activity is, you’re doing it for yourself and no other reason. This can be a morning run with your favourite podcast, breathwork session, or brewing your favourite tea. It can be anything. Rituals are self-soothing techniques providing certain level of comfort and re-assurance.
Self-Compassion + Asking for Help
Self-compassion can be difficult for many of us. Trying to strike the fine balance between working hard, pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone and hitting the brakes when it’s the right time. Being kind to ourselves, embracing our needs and who we are without judgement.
If we find peace within our authentic selves, we understand our values and what makes us happy. Only measure against ourselves and not others. We embrace our limits as much as challenge them, and we find true compassion for ourselves as well as others.
Part of self-compassion is also knowing when to ask for help. There might be a strong need for independence or fear of rejection when it comes to it. But for those of us who struggle to reach out, it’s one of the things we need to learn. If asking for help is one of the things you struggle with, start small. Ask a friend for a favour, a colleague for some advice, a stranger for directions. See if you start feeling more comfortable each time you reach out.
Gratitude + Practising Positivity
I’m sure you’ve already heard of practicing gratitude countless of times. The thing is, it really works. If we intentionally decide to focus on things that we are grateful for and are good in our life, we are more likely to find them.
We naturally see everything that goes wrong, that’s how our brain works, looking for danger and threats to protect us. Focusing on the positives, requires a little bit more effort. However, by practising this, we are re-wiring our brain and training it to look for the good rather than the negative.
It’s not realistic to be positive all the time. Life’s not all rainbows and unicorns, and sometimes we just have to call it what it is. But we don’t want to stay in that place for too long. Understanding that life comes with its ups and downs, knowing the only way is right through and trusting the outcome, is the only way forward.
Self-Love beyond Self
As the research suggests, we tend to understand self-love primarily as something that’s inherently internal and personal. However, building on the already mentioned Chinese self-love study, and positive impact of altruism and volunteering on one’s wellbeing, let me stretch the concept of Western self-love one step further.
Bringing Value + Building Evidence
Sometimes, when our level of self-love is low, our confidence and self-worth go down with it. It can be difficult to socialise and be interested in meeting new people, or people in general for that matter. Hence, I left this aspect and extension of self-love for the end. Nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that this is not where the journey can’t start for some.
By bringing value to people around us we achieve a few things:
First, it makes us feel good about ourselves.
Second, we positively impact lives of others.
Third, we build evidence for ourselves.
This can be in a form of offering to help with whatever we are interested in at work and advance our current skills. It could be through helping a friend with something we know are good at or volunteering for a cause that’s close to our heart. It could be as simple as cooking a meal for a neighbour in need.
Building evidence is extremely helpful in developing our confidence, because while doing it, we will always receive social feedback. This can help us develop new skills, relationships, or just feel useful and needed, and really confront any negative self-talk we might be dealing with.
Self-love in progress
Self-love, like many things in life, isn’t linear, it’s more fluid and up and down kind of endeavour. Life gets in the way, and we find ourselves in circumstances where we have to put others’ needs before our own. There are times we let ourselves down, times we make bad decisions and act against our nature, even let others mistreat us. Having no time for ourselves, leaves us depleted and we need to recharge. Not being true to ourselves; not standing up for ourselves and keeping our promises, will slowly chip away that self-worth and confidence. The good news is that we can rebuild it. We can always bring that focus back to ourselves and find the balance that helps us thrive.
- Henschke and Sedlmeier (2021, cited in Rahe and Jansen, 2023, p. 2)
Rahe, M. and Jansen, P. (2023) ‘A closer look at the relationships between aspects of connectedness and flourishing’, Frontiers in Psychology, 14-2023. Available at:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1137752/full (Accessed: 14. 7. 2024) ↩︎ - Xue, LM et al., (2021) ‘A Qualitative Exploration of Chinese
Self-Love’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12-2021. Available at:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.585719/full (Accessed: 14.7. 2024) ↩︎ - (Chen and Xu, 2015, cited in Xue LM et al., 2021, p. 2)
Xue, LM et al., (2021) ‘A Qualitative Exploration of Chinese
Self-Love’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12-2021. Available at:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.585719/full (Accessed: 14.7. 2024) ↩︎ - (Xue LM et al, 2021, p.2)
Xue, LM et al., (2021) ‘A Qualitative Exploration of Chinese
Self-Love’, Frontiers in Psychology, 12-2021. Available at:
https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.585719/full (Accessed: 14.7. 2024)
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