Moving through a life change can be difficult but inevitably brings a new start. Whether it’s a breakdown of a relationship, career change, a new role in life or loss of a loved one, it teaches us something. Going through challenges gives us the opportunity to reflect and learn more about ourselves. How we experience pain, how we release it, how can we sooth ourselves and how to let go.
Letting go is probably one of the most difficult things we have to learn. Impermanence is a natural part of life, yet it shakes us every time we’re faced with it. We build communities, start families, create friendship groups. We make plans for the future, we envision our careers, homes and ideal partners, all because it brings us safety.
Why it is scary to let go
We put a significant amount of effort into building our networks, supporting groups and safety nets. That’s why it feels scary and threatening to our core when we experience a life change affecting these areas. When the perception of our safety starts breaking down, our world is shaken. Most of what we do is to secure safe and comfortable tomorrow, making sure our needs are being met.
Moving through change, we tend to worry more about the future than we worry about the present moment. The anticipation of the pain that comes with letting go, the rose-tinted scenarios of the past and potential future, are what hurts us the most. Learning to be in the present moment is a gift.
What do you need to let go of?
There is a number of situations that teach us how to let go and accept what is. And these are some of the hardest lessons. Mostly because they bring about a life change that we didn’t choose. We are being forced to make peace with something we have no power over and have to embrace.
Giving up the dream is as hard as accepting the reality. We don’t only get attached to other living beings and things, but also to our hopes and dreams, some of us even to our opinions and worldviews. We can easily get attached to the image we have of ourselves, our job titles or status. Losing any of these can have a huge impact on how we see ourselves and the trajectory of our life.
When we’re going through a life change, learning to let go, it is important to notice how all of this links together. You might be struggling to let go of one thing not realising the fear lies somewhere else. You can find it difficult to let go of a relationship or your lifestyle, but this change might be threatening your identity and your beliefs. Hence, if you want to let go of one thing, you must confront the whole belief system it is nested in.
Let go and start moving through change
Mindfulness is a big part of this. Intentional mindfulness practice as well as daily awareness will help you identify what it is you need to let go of. Nobody else can tell you what you feel or what your fears and values are. You have to know yourself. And if It’s not something you are clear on right now, it can be worked on. With a bit of curiosity and commitment, you can start learning more about yourself. As difficult as it might be to sit with yourself in silence, it can reveal your thinking patterns like a charm and help you move through a life change.
1. Stop fighting it
Take some time to process the situation and allow yourself to feel. A bit of rumination is also allowed as it’s a natural part of the process but don’t stay there too long. Remember you can’t fight emotions with logic and that’s exactly what your brain will try to do. It will go round and round the same scenarios trying to understand why things happened the way they did. When you notice your brain doing this, acknowledge it as a natural reaction and shift your attention to something else. Don’t let it go down the spiral.
2. Train your brain to be present
When you are present, you can’t be contemplating the past or worry about the future. When you fully embrace the moment of now, you start gaining your peace back bit by bit. Focusing on your breathing and body sensations, will not only help you come back to the present moment every time you drift away, but also help you learn more about yourself and the connection with your body.
3. Practise mindfulness meditation
As uncomfortable as it might feel at the beginning, learn to sit with yourself. You can start with five minutes a day as a beginner and slowly build up the time. Having a regular practice will make it easier for you to use awareness during the day and in challenging situations, when you need it the most. You will be more intentional about moving through change and likely to learn more in the process.
4. Identify your fears and beliefs
The daily mindfulness practice will help you reveal your thought patterns. When something bothers you, your brain will keep bringing it up to you in order to protect you. When we want to let go of something, this is not particularly helpful to us. However, if you’re not clear on what the attached beliefs and fears are around your life change, this could help you. Every time a reoccurring thought comes up, dig a little deeper and ask yourself:
- Is this an objective truth?
- What makes me believe this?
- What would happen if that most feared scenario came true?
- What would I want for myself in that situation and how can I make that happen?
5. Let go
Once you start to better understand the beliefs and fears around the change, it is likely that your thought patterns start changing. This is, however, a slow process. This time, when you sit down and one of these ‘unwanted’ thoughts come up again, acknowledge it and shift your focus to your breathing. Don’t try to explore it or unpick it, move away from it and from the next thought, and the next one. Come back to your breath every single time as you’re coming back home to yourself.
Find gratitude in the experience
Looking at what you are leaving behind and what you’re moving towards, try to find the good in both. Acknowledge what the experience brought you and what you can cherish. Turn to the present moment and reflect on the growth that is happening right now. Being challenged is hard and uncomfortable. We don’t like our lives and plans taking unexpected turns having to fight for our peace of mind. We don’t like change. But these are the moments of learning and growth. Everything around us is constantly moving and changing, so why shouldn’t we. Why shouldn’t we have the chance to discover our vulnerable side that helps us build a stronger version of ourselves.
You can find gratitude in new beginnings and all the opportunities it brings along too. Nothing is permanent and neither are your challenges. Make the most of them, take the opportunity to learn more about yourself and know that things will get easier again. If you are looking for more personalised support that would help you move through change, you can contact me for 1:1 coaching and we’ll discuss the best strategies for you. Otherwise, stick to these steps, practise your mindfulness and trust in your ability to let go and move forward!
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